A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It's never too late to be topless.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
