The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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