Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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