You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
