Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
