Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
