Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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