They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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