im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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