I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
