I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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