Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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