you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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