So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
