you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
