3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
