she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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