I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
