I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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