my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I FOUND THE LEGS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize