Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
