So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
