a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
