I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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