After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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