Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
