I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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