It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
