he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
