I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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