I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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