Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
