i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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