Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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