I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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