My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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