I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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