I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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