Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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