This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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