I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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