Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
