Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
