My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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