I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
