I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
