I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
