I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
