i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
