My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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