Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
