i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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